Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
He did a backflip because drugs
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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