i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Screwed.edu
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
