I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
