i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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