This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
