why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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