if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
