I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
