Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
