and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
