You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
