good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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