she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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