I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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