Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
