You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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