Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
