New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
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