I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
