Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
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