I'm really into asian looking animals
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
