apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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