all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
two words: eviction party
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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