and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Randomize
