Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
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