My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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