I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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