the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I intend to get homeless drunk
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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