On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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