There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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