his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
