I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
