Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
