if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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