fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
