he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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