I used to have a blog that was basically all about ****** and all of his sexual misadventures
I mean it made tucker max look like a fucking alterboy
But unfortunatley his mom did a google search and found it
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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