I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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