Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
