Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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