New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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