so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
