3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
