Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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