I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
