I faked an abortion last night.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Randomize
