All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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