I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
