he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
