Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
